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Take care of yourself," people say when someone describes the heavy care-giving role they've taken on. "You have to look after yourself to be of help."

This exchange can make the caregiver feel guilty. They are trying to look after themselves within the limits of their situation. They may not say it out loud, but think, What more can I do?

I came across a cartoon blog by Deanna Zandt that I found really helpful. She starts by distinguishing between self-soothing and self-care. (You can find this on her blogsite https://blog.usejournal.com/the-unspoken-complexity-of-self-care-8c9f30233467)

Self-care is about health. She says, "See a therapist; go to your doctor; eat healthy, nap, do yoga" among other things. Health gives us strength to move forward. I might add that we need to give ourselves permission to be well, to look after our physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

Many of the activities which are often suggested as self-care she calls self-soothing: get a massage, take a bubble bath, binge watch your favorite TV show. She defines self-soothing as distraction and comfort. I would add that these activities ease tension. The massage and bubble bath ease tense muscles, help our body relax. The TV shows or book reading ease the spinning in our brain by giving us something else to think about. Conversation with a friend provides space to let out the emotions we keep bottled up. Laughing at the ridiculous aspects of reality releases the way we feel.

It can still be hard to fit in these times to a life structured around care giving. It is still hard to get away. But I think it helpful to recognize that we can sooth tension, anger, worry, sadness, and that we can manage our health, and that these are two separate though connected activities.

Zandt sees that the way our (capitalist) system is organized makes caring for self difficult. We need to locate community supports. She talks about childcare. I think of day-away programs. She also talks about intimate relationships outside the romantic couplehood norms and co-operatives.  

Beyond that, Zandt reminds us to keep in mind "structural care," to look for ways to make the system better for everyone. For me, this also reminds us that when we feel stuck, it isn't our fault. There are gaps in care and pressures in the system that add to the burden.

Perhaps instead of saying, "Take car of yourself," we can share our DVD of a favorite sitcom or offer to go to their place for tea. We can take time to listen while they problem solve.

Another thing friends say that is an attempt to be helpful but makes us feel guilty is "You need to lower the stress in your life." Again, the reaction is often silence. What exactly are we supposed to get rid of? The job that pays the bills? The person we are looking after? The house that needs fixing?

I came across an article from the Mayo clinic that didn't just say "lower your stress" but talked about how that is done. The first point: lower your expectations. Don't drive yourself to reach a level or a place that is impossible in the current situation. Set goals and benchmarks and projects that you can manage. Set yourself up for success not failure. Along with this comes focussing on what is in our control and problem solving around these areas.

"Avoid triggers" and "do things you like to do" may be harder. We may be triggered by things we have to do. We may find it hard to make space for what we want to do.

The last two are always within reach: "practice gratitude" and "relax and breathe." Research from several places says that seeing what is good and expressing gratitude changes us.  And breathing slowly and deeply centers us and relaxes us. Meditation, in any of its forms, can be done wherever we are in between other duties. These are key tools that help us centre and calm enough to do our tasks and the other things that will ease our stress.

Self-care is important. But it can be hard in the context of real life.  When we see a friend who needs to look after themselves, let's take the time to work with them, to help uncover what works for them.

Cathy Hird lives on the shore of Georgian Bay where the water sometimes soothes and the birds always do.