by Cathy Hird

Do you know how to find out if someone is truly a Canadian? Stomp on their toe and wait for them to say "Sorry." Only a Canadian apologizes when someone else bumps into them.

After three years in Ghana, my daughter absorbed their use of "Sorry." When I mention something that did not go right, she says, "Sorry." This is not a personal apology, but rather an expression of lament, her sense that it is regrettable that this happened.

"Sorry" is a helpful word in our relationships. When we hurt someone by what we say or do, it helps if we apologize. We do have to act on our regret after saying "Sorry" but acknowledging the hurt is important.

Sometimes when someone says they are sorry, we are not sure how deeply they mean what they say. It seems that they just want to hurry past the difficult moment. They know that we are upset, but they don't actually think what they did was wrong. They do not understand our reaction. Perhaps they have done the same thing before, and we expect they will do it again. At times like these, we do not think they really are sorry.

When someone says they are sorry, we are supposed to respond with something like, "That's okay," or "I forgive you." But forgiveness is hard. If the apology is heartfelt, if the person understands how they hurt us, if we feel that the mistake will not be repeated, we can forgive. But when we question any part of this, it is hard to let go.

Sometimes we want to keep them on the hook. If they are feeling guilty for what they did, we want them to hold on to that feeling. Not that we want them to feel bad--although sometimes that bit of revenge tastes sweet--but we want them to absorb the consequences of their action and figure out a different way to be in the future.

There are people who have no intention of changing. The arrogance or the violence is deeply engrained in who they are and how they live in the world. They'll still say "Sorry," but they do not yet know how to be different.

When someone apologizes who has no intention of changing, do we have to forgive them? This is a conversation that I have had with women who have been abused by their partner. And my quick answer is always no. We do not have to forgive someone who has abused us. We are not responsible for their release.

The quick answer is important: when someone hurts us, we don't have to feel it is our fault that we were hurt.

After the short answer, we may have a longer conversation. For a person with a religious background, I remind them that the person who hurt them is responsible for their own relationship to God. If they are sorry, if they confess their misdeeds to God, then God can forgive them. True repentance is between them and God. I also point out that when the person truly acknowledges the wrong they did, they have to learn to forgive themselves, and that is a step toward healing and wholeness that no one else can give them.

The other part of forgiveness though is our letting go. As long as we are angry, as long as we hold on to the hurt, the other person is still controlling us. When we can let go, when we can forgive, then we are freed for our own healing journey. This part of forgiveness is just about us. The one who hurt us is still on the hook in the sense that they still have to recognize their mistake for themselves. But even if they do not see what they did wrong, we can in time let go of the pain they caused.

One of the people who has taught me about forgiveness is Desmond Tutu through his writings. He lived through the horrendous violence of apartheid in South Africa and still moved his people toward reconciliation. Let me conclude with a quote from him: "Forgiving is not forgetting; it's actually remembering--remembering and not using your right to hit back. It's a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don't want to repeat what happened."

Cathy Hird is a farmer, minister and writer living near Walters Falls.