- by Amy Harbinson

Today is the first time in a while that I have truly felt happy. It sounds sad to say out loud, but it’s true. Not many people know what the last few years have truly looked like for me. I decided to share not just because I’ve been rocked to the core, but because there are other people out there experiencing the same things as me.

At the beginning of the pandemic I was working full-time as a Peer Support Worker for the local Canadian Mental Health Association. I remember going to work on Monday realizing I could no longer safely see my clients face to face. I would need to completely change how I supported my clients which involved making a number of phone calls. This was just the beginning of my chaos that has lasted a long time.

As time went on I did my best to support over 30 clients over the phone while my children were now without childcare and I noticed my clients struggling with the unknown.

I made it from that Monday after St. Patty’s day weekend till June of 2020 when I was truly burnt out. I made the tough decision to resign from my position and take a step back from mental health and addiction work. Upon my resignation I lost two of my peers to death by suicide. This broke me into a million pieces. The people I tried my best to stay afloat had lost their battle to mental illness.

I attempted to start a new job, but struggled with continued burn out and the changes that came with a new job. I did what I had to do and decided to take some time to look after me and my children.

When I felt ready I jumped back into the world of mental health and addictions, but in a different approach by taking a job at YMCA as a housing worker. This had to be the toughest job I’ve ever done. This is where I learned how little housing we have available in the area. I felt like I had my clients on this awful cycle of street to short term housing back to the street with no real solution. I was only in this job for a short period of time due to burn out and high stress. I lost two clients to drug overdoses in this job. That made 4 clients in a year.

The part I haven’t shared with a lot of people is that after trying my best to battle my own mental illness I began to lose. I became very ill to the point of hospitalization. I had to quit my job and focus on me and my kids. I had to finally face the burn out that I just kept sweeping under the rug for so long. So that’s what I did. I changed my meds, went back to the basics and stepped away from the chaos.

Unfortunately this led to the next battle I never thought I would face. I was served with papers right after getting home from hospital. This began the court battle for my children. It made me so sad to know the person I had ask to help me with the kids while I was sick had turned their back on me and made my life a living hell. So I went from focusing on my recovery to focusing on fighting for my kids. I didn’t get to see them for a month while I began my battle.

I have never put my children in danger when it comes to my mental illness. I have done the complete opposite. When I feel my illness getting worse I immediately make sure to lean on my supports. So I was forced to go through all of the dreaded past of my relationship with my ex. Painful would be an understatement. I left when the relationship became so unhealthy that I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

This all started in February and it is now November. After taking some time off to rebuild myself and fight for my children I made the decision to get a waitressing job. I had to take a step back from my passion and do something that I wouldn’t take home with me. It was a great fit to help me get back to work. It also allowed me to continue the steps I needed to take to make sure I was well and to do what I needed for the kids.

I did this for the summer and then decided I still couldn’t go back to what I was doing. It was time for a career change. So I started doing supply educational assistant work. I then applied to the board to be an office professional. After that I was offered some supply teaching positions because I had an interest.

So here I am smiling ear to ear because I’m still standing. I have conquered a pandemic, burn out, my mental illness, family court and changing careers.
I decided to share this because I believe no one should have to endure what I have in the last few years. No one should have to hide their mental illness because they fear what other people think or what could happen to their children if they share how they truly feel.

I am still battling for these two and will for the rest of their lives. Motherhood is this wonderful blessing I couldn’t ever give up.

Today, I applied for university so I can start the journey of becoming a teacher. My goal is to not only teach my own children that it’s okay to talk about their emotions, but to teach every child I work with that it’s okay not to be okay.

Strong women aren’t born they’re forged in the fires they have had to walk through. They’re warriors with hearts of gold.