Listening to Sunday morning radio, I heard an interview with Susan Cain about her new book Bitter Sweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make us Whole. Her knowledge of mystic spiritual traditions was fascinating as was her main point that sorrow and grief have an important place in our lives. In a culture that values positivity, her sense that darker emotions have value is important.
Our cult of positivity was most evident at the beginning of the pandemic. Social media abounded with calls to put aside negativity and be grateful for what we had. While complaining was not going to get us through the lockdowns, just being positive was not enough. To cope well, we had to acknowledge what was missing and find ways to fill the gaps within the strictures public health put in place.
Grief and sorrow provide us clues to what is missing in our lives. Those clues can help us understand our emotional state and can direct us toward activities and people who can address those gaps. Of course, when someone important to us has died, we are not going to be able to replace their presence, but acknowledging the grief can help us understand why we feel tired, lost, unmotivated.
Pandemic lockdowns brought isolation. We longed for connection. We longed for something normal. Normal was hard to find. We could only get take out from our favourite restaurants. Then, as soon as it got warm enough, patio dining became very popular. Sitting with friends and sharing a meal satisfied both the longing for normal and the longing for connection. That need for connection also got us to find ways to be with other people through virtual platforms like zoom.
Longing indicates that something is missing, but, as Cain said, longing also stretches us. Longing draws us to reach out, to move. Longing tells us what we hope for, dream of. If we are totally unable to reach for what we long for, it is painful. That pain is again a clue to what is going on inside us. And when we can at least reach for what we long for, we grow.
In contrast to March 2020, these days it is common for people to express how difficult a time we are living in. Though pandemic restrictions have loosened, the disease is not gone. Climate change is a crisis that is too big for any one individual to solve. Inflation was rampant even before the invasion of Ukraine. There is the war in that country that threatens the peace of the whole of Europe and the world. Right now, it can feel like insurmountable problems are piled on top of us.
This is a disturbing, painful, difficult time. Pain should be grieved. We grieve the loss of life in Ukraine. We grieve the consequences of climate change for the planet and for human life. We feel for those who were barely getting by and are now that much more burdened as prices on essentials climb.
With so much going on, we may feel paralyzed. The grief may weigh us down. Because we are supposed to be positive and proactive in our culture, we may feel guilty about our emotional state. But instead of feeling guilty, we can allow our grief to show us the very real problems in the world. Just being positive would mask the problems that need to be addressed.
For some, the grief and sorrow of this time is leading them to action. Artists are creating things that can be sold with the proceeds going to humanitarian relief for Ukraine. People are taking steps to address their carbon footprint. The political discussions as we head into provincial and municipal elections include affordable housing. Sorrow can guide us into action.
When we have a pain in our knee or hip, we investigate. There are medical actions that can be taken to address and heal that pain. Emotional pain also provides clues to what is going on in our lives and in our world. Not all physical pain can be eliminated. Not all emotional pain can be fixed. But sorrow, grief, and longing reveal things to us and may lead us to a life that is more whole.
Cathy Hird lives on the traditional territory of the Saugeen Ojibway Nation
