That's me on August 27, 2022. My name is Joey McVean. I am 31 years old and I live in Owen Sound, Ontario, Canada. I am living in a group home that’s run similarly to a hostel. This is well over the 60th time I’ve moved in my 31 years. The chaos seems to never end, but I am hopeful. My life was unstable growing up in a dramatic way and I’ve gone on to repeat the scenario of constant moves and changing locales, jobs, of my life ad Infinitum.
One of my biggest dreams is to find my true home. I imagine myself with a partner who’s nurturant to me and to us. We’re well off and able to do what we want in our life. We’re secure in our vocations and each other.
This sort of daydream can be shockingly hurtful to me at times when I’m nowhere near this goal. It seems like I’m always clawing back on this and slipping farther and farther down the rocks. I often feel hopeless and I’m often homeless and It’s all my fault. I’m treading blindly at speeds Unsustainable.
‘I have to do something to stop this.’
In February of 2020, I was in a predicament more like the nightmare than the dream. I was staying in Brantford, ON, drying out at a friend’s place. I had 2 bags packed with clothes and my acoustic guitar. I was due to Toronto to hit the street. I had maybe $200 to sway me over to safety. I was in a heavy depression.
I’ve accidentally overdosed many times when I was using fentanyl. Thankfully it’s so common for PWUD to carry the narcan that’s handed out by the harm reduction services around I was saved. Other times I just got lucky.
This experience I am talking about was intentional. I was found laying in a snow bank. I was revived by paramedics with narcan and electroshock. I was saved.
In January of 2020 I was living with my partner in Caledonia, ON. I had been living with him since April of 2018 and our relationship was up and down. This was mainly due to my substance use. I was particularly addicted to methamphetamine and alcohol. We got in arguments over this fairly regularly. I came to him from a place where I’d suffered a lot of abuse in my life. Before Caledonia I lived in Guelph, ON.
In Guelph I developed a serious heroin addiction, which I replaced with methadone maintenance. Crystal meth took over afterward, however.. I was completely clean between Feb and May of 2017, but I had someone in my life who was abusing me. I turned to meth to cope.
The man I am talking about knew I made a good income, and he had set out to break me down to supply his habits. He assaulted me, stole from me, ran me down verbally regularly,and made me feel small. I still loved him though like a brother. I was tied to him for 6 years. I didn’t know what to do.
I was becoming increasingly fearful of him, but I couldn’t shake him off without receiving threats. I wasn’t dealing with the situation well. That’s whenI turned to meth to cope with my situation..
He wasn’t into meth, and it was cheap. This was my reasoning. I was rid of him by July of 2017 but my addiction continued. The responsibility is on me, I know.
By January of 2020 my partner in Caledonia left me due to my drug and alcohol use. I was mainly drinking, but after he broke up with me in January of 2020 I picked up the pipe again with devotion. I felt so hopeless and lost without meth. My life was falling apart though but I didn’t know what to do.
‘I have to do something to stop this.’
I loaded a massive amount of fentanyl and meth combined. Way more than needed to get high. I felt empty as I poked the syringe into my vein. I drew blood and I injected, I felt a warm wave over my body. Then darkness.
The guy I was with dumped me in a snow bank after he stole my phone and wallet. A lady found me and called 911. The experience is unlike anything I could ever describe in words, because they’re something. I know what nothing is.
This day on August 31, 2022 with ‘International Overdose Awareness Day’ is a day in which we need to remember and honor those who have been lost to an escalating crisis across the world in an ever increasing potency of a growing toxic drug supply.
The reason why I lived is to spread a message. Thank you.
