“Remember the oxygen mask instruction. Look after yourself first.”

The woman cupped her hand over her mouth and nose.

I remembered the rest of the phrase: then look after the people around you.

In an airplane at thirty thousand feet, there are seconds before you pass out. If you put your mask on first, you can help others with theirs and put one on someone who has already succumbed.

So far, I have not had to test whether I have absorbed that instruction on an actual airplane. I can imagine how hard it is to not panic and take the mask that is dangling right in front of your eyes. I hope memory will kick in if it ever needs to.

The trouble is that it is equally hard – or even harder – to accept this metaphorical instruction.

Most of the times that we need to remember self-care come when we are looking after a loved one who requires more and more help. It is hard to remember to look after ourselves first when faced with someone who needs us.

What does self-care look like?

For me, there are several themes. One is permission. I am an organized person. I plan every trip to town. And my husband counts on me getting home when I say I will get home.

One day, when he fell and could not get up, it was super important that I got home on time. If I’d been late, he would have been more upset than he was. Usually, it does not matter that much, but still, I make the effort.

This week, after a relaxing tea with a friend, I had three errands to run.

The first was to pick up a prescription. There were six people in line. It became clear that the person at the desk was having an issue. I started to stress. This was going to take half an hour. And we weren’t out of the prescription. I left, giving myself time for the other two errands. I will go back on Friday.

I usually do errands after Tai Chi on Friday, but I realized that I could go to town early, stop at the pharmacy and the bank before class. And if I walk into Tai Chi late, it is not a big deal. I gave myself permission to change plans and to be late, not getting home but for something else.

Forgiveness. For myself. For others is important too, but forgiving myself for mistakes is harder.

A while ago, when I was filling out a form about our carbon footprint, one of the questions was “do you ever throw out food?” I answered, never. And while it is true that food never goes in the garbage as I compost all scraps, I am aware that sometimes I let food go bad that should have been eaten. In part, it’s because my husband can’t eat anything that isn’t pureed so sometimes, I don’t work my way through what I purchased.

Sometimes, food goes bad because I forget.

We were away for four days, and when I went to make toast on Tuesday, the slice of bread was green. I had forgotten to put it in the freezer. There were so many details getting ready to go away, I had missed that one. Important not to beat myself up about it, but to forgive myself for missing that detail. Given all the details I manage every day, some are going to get missed. It just isn’t possible to get them all right. Forgiveness.

Enjoyment. I have to do things that give myself pleasure. And I try to choose things that not only feel good but that relax me. I went kayaking on a morning this week when the water was still. I have three books on the go. I make food that I enjoy—both the making and the eating. I take long walks in the woods with the dog.

There are others.

Letting go.

Resting.

Eating well.

Sleeping.

Visiting with friends.

Someone said to me that when she is the first one up, she sits still. I play computer word games, but I have taken to just being still from time to time. It is a very good thing to do.

Cathy Hird lives on the traditional territory of the Saugeen Ojibway Nation.

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