By Cathy Hird
I've been thinking about conversations, difficult ones in particular, and the challenge of opening up topics where we disagree. Intentionally facing uncomfortable issues is hard. But people are different from each other. Sometimes the difference comes at us from nowhere.

An example. The setting is a line in a store, any kind of store.

The cashier says, "Isn't that a lovely day!"

"Just beautiful. So nice to be out without a coat."

"And in November," the cashier continues. "I hope we get a lot more like this."

Then the next person in line jumps in: "If it snowed tomorrow, I'd be happy. I'm longing to get the skies out and hit the slopes."

The interjection is a surprise. The perspective is very different. The experience is a reminder that people have different opinions even on a simple thing like the weather, something we cannot change.

There are some topics that as soon as they are mentioned, we back away. We have had experience with people who feel strongly the opposite of our opinion. With hot button topics, we have been in discussions where we suspected from the start that we were not going to make any progress. It can even be hard to back out of the argument.

Each of us can think of this kind of hopeless, frustrating conversation where we did nothing but butt heads. We avoid these topics if we possibly can.

The trouble is that if we never enter the dialogue on topics that are controversial, we are never going to understand the reasons why someone holds the opinion they do. Our personal connection with the person we fundamentally disagree with is at best strained. Sometimes it is like there is a brick wall between us. And if we really care about the issue, if we believe that social policy around the issue has to change, we are not going to make any progress if we never enter into dialogue.

Abortion and equal marriage have been this kind of issue. Social policy has changed in a way that some people are content with and some are deeply concerned about, but the change came as dialogue took place and listening occurred. In some families, some communities, these two topics can still turn a quiet conversation into a heated argument. Still, the government policy has changed, and generally speaking, we have learned to discuss the shift with understanding and civility.

Something different and difficult happened during the federal election when the question of wearing a niqab became a wedge between people. I came across posts on Facebook which suggested we should choose who to vote for based on the belief that a women should not wear a niqab at citizenship ceremonies. This was not a dialogue about a Middle Eastern cultural practice. Instead, one perspective was presented as the embodiment of right versus wrong.

I came across two perspectives that helped shift this from division to discussion. First was a quote from a South Asian woman, Arundahti Roy, who argued that for a government to force women to take off the niqab was brutal in the same way as a man forcing her to put it on. The idea that government's role is to open the space for people to make their own way, I found helpful.

The second was a local action. A number of people felt that we needed to stand up for "respect" as a fundamental Canadian value. People wondered about planning a demonstration. But that would again claim the righteous high ground, pushing "others" out. Folks realized that a demonstration would not embody respect. Instead, space for a conversation was created. Face to face dialogue happened. No one claimed certainty but instead listened.

Drawing people with different perspectives into the same circle is hard. Facing difference can be painful. But bringing a dilemma into the circle enables us to engage in an inclusive conversation. Respect requires that we acknowledge the difference, accept the dilemma that we do not agree. Hide the difference and we'll never deal with it. We build community by making space in the circle for people with different perspectives. That is how we live respect.

Cathy Hird is a farmer, minister and writer living near Walters Falls.