-Paul Vanwyck
I wrote the following a couple of weeks ago. I'd like to make it into a script and then a video. Nothing fancy, but I need about a dozen people to be the talking heads, and I have no budget. So if anyone is interested in being a free actor in a very short role that will only be seen on facebook (likely), let me know.
Good Enough to Eat: Were we engineered to be fat?
A Wacky Leaks Special Report
Obesity rates in most western nations are at an all-time high right now, but if you're one of the millions of over-weight we have a little good news for you (although we have more bad news to go with it).
The good news is, it's not your fault.
"Early humans had a lot of food insecurity, so our bodies adapted to store as much energy as possible for later use, and that's why our bodies create fat," explained Arkansas State nutrition researcher Dr. Gordon Fuller.
"We've known for a long time that this evolutionary adaptation that helped hunter-gatherers and nomadic tribes survive has become impractical for our technological world where we are far more likely to sit behind a screen all day than to do any physical labor, and where most of us have an abundance of food available to eat."
"Our lifestyles became more sedentary when we learned to farm," added Harriet Portly, one of the members of Fullers research team. "And since the industrial revolution things have only gotten worse."
But new research released last month by Dr. Connie Spearasy suggests this is not a case of human evolution, but of engineering. Her team from Dystopia State spent 15 months in Peru and made some startling discoveries.
"Our research points to a non-human alien species that preyed upon us for food," Spearasy said. "These were the gods of our ancestors, the ones the Aztecs and Mayans built temples and sacrificed their own people to. These alien creatures have hidden among us and helped us create the civilization we enjoy today."
In Europe a joint committee made up of German and Danish academics created a report known as the Copenhagen-Hamburg Official Mission Paper (CHOMP). They discovered similar connections between aliens and our development as a species.
"You can draw a straight line from the Egyptians to the Knights Templar, the Masons and the Illuminati, and they all had help building the society of their day," Professor Emily Von Overstuft said.
"Research in Africa and Europe always kind of assumed that these alien gods were acting out of some kind of altruism, that they were interested in us becoming their equals," Dr. Spearasy noted. "But in Peru we discovered their true reasoning, and it is most terrifying – they did it because they felt we were too tough to eat."
Dr. Spearasy explained that the aliens had sent out their search parties in advance to planets that we would describe as being in the Goldilocks Zone – not too hot, not too cold, just right for life to exist. Then they'd either discover or introduce life to the planet, allow that species to grow, and then harvest it.
"Before the ships arrive they had millennia to let us multiply, and to help us create a modern world where we'd be lazier and therefore juicier and more flavorful."
Okay, we buried the lead, but if this article were entitled "Space Aliens coming to Eat Us" we feared that we'd either create a panic or people would just think this was "fake news" and not read it.
A former CIA agent confirms these fears that aliens are on their way here to devour us. "We've been using satellites to record conversations and transmissions since the Cold War," former agent and communications expert Eve Dropper said in a recent interview. "That can't really come as a surprise to anyone. Occasionally, though, our high-orbit satellites or the moon station, which were designed to pick up transmissions bound for Earth from outside our solar system, have picked up signals being sent to deep space from Earth instead."
These messages were in a code that remained unbroken until late 2015.
Back in 2012 the FBI seized the computer of a 16 year-old (whom we cannot name) in a farming community in Iowa. What the FBI discovered, on top of the illegal file sharing that had prompted them to take the teen's computer in the first place, was a science project. The science project was a translator that could process spoken ancient Incan into English.
"After the case was closed and the teen had served their time it was 2014," FBI Special Agent Ben Apster said. "We offered the kid back their computer, but by then it was more than 3 years old and they'd already replaced it with something better. So it was just kicking around the office when I heard about those space transmissions and I asked if I could run them by the kid's translator and see what happened. Boy were we shocked when it worked."
The message may have seemed incomplete to the FBI, but it was clear. "We figure there were earlier messages that we just weren't equipped to record when they were sent," Apster explained. "What we got were a series of updates, each about a decade after the last one, at first.
"They said things like how pollution was worsening and to hurry up because 'these maniacs', meaning us, were on the brink of nuclear war. Then they started to get more frequent. One from six years ago said that the Earth had reached its peak human population and that it was time for the harvest. That one helped us put the others in perspective; they've been urging their comrades to hurry up and get here for the last 60 years because they're afraid we'll either pollute the planet and our bodies so badly we won't taste good anymore, or we'll just go all the way and destroy the Earth."
A source in the Trump White House who wished to remain anonymous said that both the Republicans and Democrats are taking this threat of an alien harvest very seriously.
"You think Trump's proposed budget is adding over $50 billion to defense because he's afraid of North Korea or intends to go back into the Middle East? Give your head a shake. That money is secretly earmarked for R&D into how we can defend ourselves from an alien attack."
The aliens may already be aware of Trump's plan, as the frequency of messages being sent into space is now up to once a week.
"I hadn't heard that," Agent Aster said about Trump's plan to combat the aliens when we asked him to confirm it. "Whether or not the aliens among us have heard it, I don't know. I can understand why they'd be communicating with the harvesters more often anyway these days, what with Trump in charge. I'm certain they feel just as uncertain about this administration as the rest of us."
But Bill Deitwaltz, a professor of political studies at Deep State has a different take on President Trump.
"If you go through all of Donald Trump's communications, his speeches and his tweets, both during the campaign and after the election, and if you know what to look for, well, it's pretty clear that he's been communicating with to allies, and this may come as a surprise but that includes Russia, that he is willing to take on the problem of these aliens.
"The 'bad hombres', 'terrorists' and 'illegals' he's talked about aren't really invaders from Mexico or Muslims, that was all just a cover so that voters wouldn't understand because he knew they'd panic; they are invaders from space. That he's carried out some of these policy ideas is just a smoke screen. That stupid travel ban has been nothing but a distraction for the media," Deitwaltz said.
"The only wall Trump is interested in building right now is the one he and the other world leaders are trying to build between us and our extinction at the hands of those aliens!"
"Personally, I believe that from an historical perspective it may be possible," Dr. Fuller said when asked about aliens coming to Earth in order to harvest humans. "Aliens may have harvested humans before. Maybe that's what the story of Noah's Arc is really about. Before Europeans ever discovered North America there was an event that wiped out 90% of the native population – perhaps that was the aliens as well."
If it's true that the aliens might only be coming to harvest some of us than there's hope that the human race will survive. They'd only be interested in those of you that have become fat as a result of their millennia of social engineering.
But at least that's not your fault.
*End*
