In the formation of a team--at work, in an organization, in a family--there are stages of development, some of which feel quite uncomfortable. At a training session, someone called these stages "forming, storming, norming and performing."

Forming is the getting introduced stage. It's the time when we are nice to each other, acknowledging the new opportunities. In a love relationship, this stage is exciting and joyous. In a work setting, it's careful and respectful.

The next stage we know best with teenagers: storming. Teenagers are pushing back in order to figure out who they are going to choose to be. In a team, differences begin to surface, differences of work pattern, values, goals or ideas. With divergent expectations, the team seems to work against itself. Arguments start, or some voices are silent in the face of a pattern they do not like.

In a relationship when we discover that no matter how enamoured with each other we are, there are times when we rub each other the wrong way, when we want to go different directions or do different things. After the ease and joy of the initial period, this stage can discourage us, make us wonder if we really love each other.

In a volunteer organization, some people may choose to leave at this point. We are there by choice, and we don't choose to fight. In a work situation we're more stuck. We have to deal with the differences. And this is a good thing.

This is the uncomfortable stage in building relationship. If we don't fight fair or clean, it can get nasty. But if we don't surface the differences, we won't actually build relationship. We'll just keep to our own silo and work solo.

Difference is useful. While it can create conflict, it also provides energy. And because one way of addressing a problem won't always work, having different patterns provides a group with a variety of solutions.

When we allow difference, we discover that a variety of perspectives helps us see the situation from a number of angles. Listening to a variety of viewpoints can reset the framework. Bringing a number of people's ideas into the conversation gives us a better chance of seeing the whole.

For the storming stage to be effective we do have to be nice. Not so nice that we stay quiet about our disagreements, but nice enough to listen to ideas that feel foreign. If we shout, others will have a hard time listening to us, and we may silence other voices. We have to disagree in ways that keep the conversation going.

This is the norming step in the team development. We establish patterns for how we will have the conversation. There may be regular staff meetings designated as brain-storming times. We may have a note-taker who ensures that everyone's thoughts get up on the white board before we make choices.

In a family, there may be times designated for hashing out a problem. There may be an agreement not to go to bed angry, or a plan to walk away for a while to let tempers chill. With a teenager, there may be rules enforced and then time taken to explain differences.

Once norms are established, once patterns for dealing with difference are in place, the team performs well, drawing on the different strengths of each.

Until something changes in the environment or a new person joins. Then the process has to start all over again. In a family, it may be illness that throws the established norms out the window. In a group, it may be a new task that has to be taken up.

"Re-storming" can be discouraging. The renewal of tension can make us feel like someone is not respecting the norms. This is a time when some may choose to walk away. But it is a natural part of the process. Life is not static. We change. And each time we change we have to figure out what difference it makes. The good thing is that if we have worked out healthy norms for the conversation, the second storm will be less volatile. We'll get back to a performing team much faster.

Cathy Hird is a farmer, minister, and writer living near Walters Falls.