arts-editorEditorial by Kelly Babcock, Arts Editor

(Kelly is an editor here at the Hub, but is quick to point out that his opinions are not necessarily the same as the opinions of the Hub or any of its other staff members ... or anyone else's for that matter)
There aren't many things that I've managed to be consistent about in my life. I've had more jobs than I have fingers. My hobbies stack up on shelves in the basement like empty sealer jars, no sooner have I mastered the basic skills of one then I'm distracted by how cool another one is.
Religions and political affiliations are the same, except that due to their plastic nature, one never really manages to master the basic skills of either before the powers that be have decided that those skills are wrong and we need to be doing it "this way."
But one thing I can claim consistency in is my being a Canadian. And as such, I have some pretty fixed ideas of what our culture should be. So no one was happier than I to hear about Stephen Harper's planned tip line to report "barbaric cultural practices."
Think of it as a consolation prize. If he wins the election, that means we lose. And if we lose, we're going to need some kind of compensation. The "barbaric cultural practices tip line" is just the ticket.
And since it might be difficult for us to be able to determine if a certain behaviour could be construed as a barbaric cultural practice, I've compiled a list of things you could look for. If you see something that you feel is suspicious, check it against this list and if it's on here, grab that phone. If it's similar to what is on the list, than phone it in anyway, it's probably just one I overlooked.

        • 1. not eating Kraft Dinner at least once a month
        • 2. not owning a tuque
        • 3. spraying your lawn with anti-beaver pesticide
        • 4. knowing all the words to Oh Canada
        • 5. not knowing the words to the Tragically Hip's "Bobcaygeon"
        • 6. not knowing how to park a snowmobile
        • 7. knowing five or fewer meanings of the word "eh" (even if you can't explain them)
        • 8. not knowing if you play hockey right or left handed
        • 9. looking confused when someone says "four on four"
        • 10. being afraid of living near water
        • 11. putting your sandals away in early September
        • 12. claiming to like Nickelback
        • 13. declining to ride in a canoe
        • 14. not liking the smell of wood smoke
        • 15. failing to move your net when someone yells "car"
        • 16. looking puzzled when someone says "got a soaker"
        • 17. complaining that there's no washroom nearby when in the middle of the bush
        • 18. not able to start a fire with an order of poutine and a maple dip
        • 19. disliking plaid
        • 20. not finding maple leaves to be beautiful

So there is my list. Feel free to add to this in the comments, no one Canadian has a lock on what our culture is, so I'm sure there are many ideas of what "barbaric cultural practices" could mean.
And thanks Mr. Harper, for the idea. I almost hope .... naw.


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