-Paul Vanwyck

OWEN SOUND- An expert in Great Lakes biology says the 'Serpent's Tooth' does not belong to a lake monster.
Dr. Irma Skeptik says she's been studying the Great Lakes for decades and found nothing to support the claim that lake monsters exist.
Recently, a tooth said to be over 10 cm long has turned up. The man who found it, Jacob Autumn D'Wellor, claims it came from the bottom of Owen Sound's harbor and that it may have come from the legendary lake monster The Owen Sound Serpent.
"Lake monsters are just a hoax," Dr. Skeptik said. "If they were real we'd have found a corpse or bones or droppings or something by now."
When asked how she explained the enduring legend of creatures like Ogopogo and the Loch Ness monster, Dr. Skeptik shook her head.
"You'll have to ask a psychiatrist why people buy in to these ridiculous stories," she said. "Here's what I know: fresh water marine biology. And what research has told us is that Loch Ness and Lake Okanogan simply do not have the fish populations or plant matter to sustain one or more lake monsters. And to suggest that such a creature is living in the Great Lakes undetected is absurd."
Despite herself, Dr. Skeptik did go on to speculate about the origins of legendary monsters.
"Historically myths were created to explain the unexplainable. When you don't understand the build-up of electrical charges in the clouds resulting in lightning you make up stories of thunder gods."
"And I expect the same was true when our ancestors found dinosaur bones or saw exceptionally large fish species. That's how I expect the legends of dragons and lake monsters were born."
Professor Noah Tall, head of the Advertising Department at Ark College at Mar-a-Lego, says that many of these legends endure in our modern age despite a total lack of evidence simply because of marketing.
"Loch Ness sees tons of tourists every year because of Nessie. Big monsters are big money. Whether this tooth is real or not it has already generated more buzz about the Owen Sound Serpent and the City of Owen Sound, which will help draw people to the Owen Sound and North Grey Union Public Library on May 5th to find the Owen Sound Serpent at the Owen Sound Mini ComiCon."
Dr. Skeptik was blunter than that.
"The idea this 'Serpent's Tooth' came from a lake monster within the last hundred years is a total scam."