By Cathy Hird

There's an old hymn that gets used in this season that begins like this, "Count your blessings; name them one by one." The hymn orders us to add up the good things in our lives and give thanks. Some families have a tradition of naming what they are thankful for when they gather for the holiday meal. In the early part of October in Ontario, many op ed pieces and meeting openings include the suggestion to remember what we are thankful for.

But when we get up in the morning, the first thing that comes to mind may not be a list of what we are thankful for. Our first thought when we roll over and realize that it is time to get up can be a groan. The list of to-do's forms in our heads, and before we are out of bed, stress tightens our muscles and starts the adrenaline flow. The ongoing conflict with a member of the family or a co-worker or our boss steps to the front of our mind; our teeth clench and worry stirs.

We are tempted to just stay in bed. But, if we roll over determined to stay where we are, the to-do list looks more urgent. The possible consequences of the conflict loom larger and larger. We might as well get up and hope we can conquer the issue or at least that the ordinary tasks of making coffee and showering will calm our worries.

How do we recover a thankful attitude? Where do we find gratitude?

I think we begin by setting aside this idea of "counting" our blessings. It feels very consumer-istic to me. Are we only thankful because when we add up the good things in our lives, they out-number the difficult ones? This suggests that if we are having a hard time, we could just go out and add a couple of positive items, and we'd be back on the thankful side of the ledger.

Instead, we can peel back the layer of stress and look underneath. We have a lot to do because we have a place in the world that expects a great deal from us. We have a job and an income. We have tasks in volunteer organizations because people appreciate our abilities and wisdom. Instead of focussing on the list, we begin to appreciate our place in the world.

What happens if we peel back the layers of the relationships in our lives where there is conflict? The first feeling might be worry that we find will not be pleasant. So before we consider what is under the surface, it is worth realizing that relationship is a gift. We are not alone. There may be strain, but there is a thread that binds us together. There may be tension, but there is the presence of the other. Our boss may be breathing down our neck and our co-worker may be angling for our position, but we are part of a group that has similar goals. We are in partnership.

When we look under the surface, we learn what it is that brings the conflict. We may learn something about our own nature. We may learn something about the personality of the other. We discover that there are reasons for the conflict, and once we see why there is tension, we can deal with it.

When we peel look underneath the conflict to see the reasons for it, we may discover that the tensions are natural and understandable. Teenagers in the house will always be in conflict with their parents because their job is to uncover their own identity apart from the family. We may realize that our co-worker from the city has different cultural assumptions that rub up against our own. This won't make the conflict pleasant, but it helps make sense of it and helps us interact differently.

Peeling back the surface of our lives is not necessarily going to reveal more things to be thankful for. What it does instead is help us see our place in the world and the natural flow of life's processes. What we gain is more like gratitude. We remember the grace of life, the gift of living. And yes, that frees us to give thanks.

Cathy Hird is a farmer, minister and writer living near Walter's Falls.