- by Anne Finlay-Stewart, Editor

“Benevolent sexism”. I learn new language almost every day, and almost always spurred by researching something from our readers.

I received an email about a comment made during a recorded local board meeting, open to the public. A young female staff person was making a presentation, reporting to the board on a project. At the conclusion, a member of the board asked to be recognized by the chair to address the staff person.

He said “You didn't miss a beat. You look great and you should have three more babies.”

Of course it was intended to be a compliment.

First, on the fact that the woman had done her work while also producing and caring for a new human.
Second, on maintaining or enhancing her appearance while doing so.

So why did my correspondent – male – write to me to address this as a sexist comment?

Here's where the concept of “benevolent sexism” comes in.

It is not part of the board member's regular routine to take the mic to compliment the looks of co-workers or staff. He was saying she looked great specifically in this case because she had been pregnant. Whether it was intended to reassure her about her looks or say that motherhood had enhanced them, it was no more appropriate than any other comment about a young female employee's appearance.

It is not a question of whether or not the staffer, or anyone else in the room, was offended by the comment. Such subjective responses are not the issue. Actually, all women know that no response BUT a grateful, polite smile would have been acceptable.

Could she have said “Thank you. You look good too”. Why not?

Because there was a power differential. She was staff; he was a board member. It would have been considered rude, cheeky, uppity, even flirtatious – by him, and by others in the room. Maybe even by her supervisor. He felt he could compliment her looks in this situation because he was saying “you look great...for a woman who had a baby.” It would not be appropriate for her, in a public meeting, to return the compliment “you look great”, and even less if she had said or implied “for a grandfather”.

“Compliments” like this are what keep women in their place.

“Never missed a beat” is of course intended as a compliment. It reinforces the expectatiion  that women should aspire to fully meeting both home and work responsibilities. But the reason we have maternity (now parental) leave and family responsibility leave is because we recognize as a society that it is not appropriate to expect children will have no impact on life or work. That leave is time OFF work to attend to those responsibilities, so beats may be missed, and others may have to pick them up. That is not failure, it is is good management by the organization.

“You look great” is also a compliment, but has no place in a public meeting or as a response to a female staff person reporting to her employer. Again, it confirms a woman's place and responsibility as  an attractive thing to look at. “Thank you for doing this excellent work,” “Congratulations on the addition to your family”, “We hope your family is all well” - so many other things to say at that moment rather than commenting on how a young female staff person looks.

As the child was not in the room, I assume the advice that she “should have three more babies” was not a comment on the quality of the baby she produced. Was it about the positive impact of maternity on her work, or her appearance? Unclear.

One male commenter said that perhaps the wording was a result of the board member's age or “cultural background” to which I reply - Absolutely it was.

We do not suffer from the overt, hostile sexism that has put some other municipal governments in the news. Ours is much more challenging because each manifestation is usually small, seemingly benign to the observer, but cements a culture that has been established here for decades.

From the day a former female member of council told me that her goal had been not to let a male colleague see that he'd made her cry, I knew that our municipal culture had to change. I had the same goal when the same man had berated me for five minutes at a public meeting he was chairing, before saying "we'll have no more discussion about that." 

Our readers inform us and challenge us. They are often writing to us without wishing to be identified publicly, expecting us to bring difficult things into public view for community discussion. This is one of those moments – a brief comment that is worthy of a long conversation.

some more articles on benevolent sexism here, here and here