- by Chris Farrell

I appreciate the Hub’s thoughtful analysis yesterday of “benevolent sexism”. Considering this, along with the predictable responses,  I offer a thought experiment:

Imagine you’re sitting in the breakroom at work, eating lunch with coworkers and enjoying conversation, when one of them looks at you and tells you they really like the way you chew your food. That they’ve been noticing how you put food in your mouth and move your jaw and swallow, and that it’s much nicer than the way many of your other coworkers do it. They look forward to more lunch breaks with you, so they can continue to enjoy your chewing.

That’d be pretty creepy right?

You’re there to eat lunch! You try to chew politely, in a socially acceptable way, but chewing is not your reason for being there. Being ‘good at chewing’ isn’t your purpose.. it’s just an essential thing you do that allows you to nourish yourself, enjoy your meal, and relax with your coworkers.

But it was intended as a compliment! Why can’t you just be flattered, say thanks and move on?

It wouldn’t feel like a compliment to you in that moment, would it? Knowing that someone is focusing on something so random and personal would feel invasive, and really not flattering! It’s going to change how you feel and how you behave in that situation. It’ll get into your head, make you self-conscious. It will make it harder to do what you’re there to do. Lunch will now require much more emotional energy.

Maybe you’ll say something, ask them to stop. But you’ll still always know they’re thinking about it. And maybe you can’t say anything, because they’re your boss, or just a bully who ignores your discomfort, or perhaps enjoys it! And your co-workers, also people who chew food, will start to be self-conscious when they eat too. Lunch in the breakroom won’t ever be the same when that person is there.

You can’t stop chewing food at lunch, just like you can’t stop ‘existing in your body’. You don’t have a choice about it. Showing up in your body is essential to accomplishing pretty much anything – walking down the street, getting groceries, going dancing with your friends. Oh yeah and DOING YOUR JOB!

Is it really that hard to understand why unsolicited attention on one’s body is so unwelcome? That the intention to compliment is irrelevant? That the effect is to derail the person in the body from accomplishing what they are there to do? That it makes everything just a little more exhausting? And when it happens while you’re trying to do your job, it’s harassment. It’s a toxic work environment. And it’s unacceptable.

So: Don’t talk about watching people chew their food. And don’t comment on other people’s bodies unless they ask you to. Ever. Good or bad. Just don’t do it. How hard is that?

Photo by Junior REIS on Unsplash